Why not knowing feels so hard and what we can learn from uncertainty
After a traumatic event, many people turn to belief systems or routines that offer comfort. Church attendance, for instance, surged nationwide after 9/11 as people sought explanations and emotional refuge. This search for meaning isn’t just about answers—it’s about soothing the discomfort of uncertainty.
Yet, racing to fill in the blanks too quickly can backfire. When we avoid sitting with the unknown, we can miss out on self-awareness. We may fall into black-and-white thinking by labeling things as good or bad, right or wrong, strong or weak. But life isn’t that simple. And neither are we.
Mental health professionals often caution that rigid thinking patterns like these can heighten emotional distress and fuel anxiety or depression. The truth is, most of us are walking mosaics of strength and struggle, need and resilience.
Behavior is a messenger, not a judgment
When you or someone you love reacts in a way that feels out of character—like snapping in anger or retreating in sadness—it’s easy to judge the behavior. But reactions are usually signals of something deeper: an unmet need.
That need could be to feel secure, seen, appreciated, or loved. Take anger, for example. It’s not always about rage. Rage can stem from fear, powerlessness, rejection, or grief. The behavior isn’t the problem. It’s often a coping attempt, a way of managing an emotion that feels too big or painful.
Everyone expresses these feelings differently. Where one person lashes out, another might shut down or become anxious. But underneath it all, we’re all just trying to cope.
What are coping mechanisms—and why do they matter?
Coping mechanisms (also known as defense mechanisms) are strategies we use—often subconsciously—to protect ourselves from emotional pain. They can be helpful in the short term, but some can also prevent us from truly processing what we’re feeling.
Here are a few common ones:
- Compensation: Focusing on a strength to balance a perceived weakness.
“I may not be great at writing, but I can type 80 words a minute.” - Denial: Refusing to accept reality because it’s too painful.
A spouse might insist their partner's memory issues are due to being “tired,” rather than acknowledging the signs of dementia.
- Rationalization: Reframing a painful experience with logic to avoid emotional discomfort.“I didn’t really want that job anyway.”
These mechanisms aren’t “bad," but are just clues. They point to what we might not be ready to face, and they give us an opportunity to get curious, not judgmental.
Two gentle ways to practice awareness
Learning to sit with discomfort doesn’t mean liking it. But building awareness around how we respond to uncertainty helps us grow and heal. Here’s how to begin:
1. Spot your patterns
Notice when you’re using a coping mechanism. Is there a situation where you tend to minimize your feelings or justify them away? Try naming the strategy when you see it. Awareness is the first step to change.
2. Ask, “What’s this really about?”
When you feel a strong emotional reaction, take a breath and ask yourself: What am I actually feeling? What need might be behind this reaction? Maybe it’s not really about the spilled coffee or the missed call—it could be about feeling overwhelmed or unappreciated.
The more we practice this kind of gentle self-reflection, the more we interrupt automatic reactions and make space for more compassionate responses—toward ourselves and others.
The bottom line
Coping with the unknown is messy, real, and deeply human. You don’t need to have it all figured out to care for yourself or support someone else. Just noticing how you feel, giving yourself permission to not have all the answers, and getting curious about your reactions can be powerful steps forward.
At elbi, we believe in supporting caregivers and their loved ones with real tools, grounded guidance, and a platform that makes room for the full range of human experience. You're not alone in navigating uncertainty—and you don’t have to pretend to be okay to be doing your best.
Dr. Linda Buscemi, or Dr. B., is a clinical psychologist and licensed behavioral health specialist with over two decades of experience in behavior management and caregiver training. She is also the co-founder and Chief Clinical Officer of elbi, a complete support system for confident dementia caregiving. Her approach emphasizes that adverse behaviors are often reactions to unmet needs, and she has developed tailored interventions that reduce such reactions, leading to a decreased reliance on psychotropic medications and fewer hospitalizations. She is passionate about supporting and equipping the family caregiver on their journeys.
Dementia caregivers’ toolbox: Strategies for navigating a challenging journey
Caring for someone with dementia can be one of life’s most meaningful—and overwhelming—roles. Every caregiving journey is different, but there are tools and strategies that can help. From emotional support to legal planning, a proactive approach makes walking the road easier.
1. Prioritize your own care
Caregivers often put themselves last. But taking care of yourself is what allows you to keep showing up.
Linda Buscemi, a licensed clinical psychologist, and elbi’s cofounder, shares, “As caregivers, we may often forget to care for ourselves—or at least care for ourselves in ways that are truly helpful and meaningful.”
Self-care is essential to maintaining the stamina and resilience required for this demanding role. Whether it’s a walk, a weekly therapy session, or something creative you enjoy, even small moments can help you avoid burnout. “The most important new skill you may learn is taking care of yourself first,” says Juliet Holt Klinger, elbi’s gerontologist and dementia care advisor.
2. Build your circle of support
No caregiver can or should go it alone. While an ideal scenario might include a team of helpers, nurses, and counselors, Holt Klinger acknowledges that’s not always realistic. Still, caregivers can create their own "village" by rallying family, friends, and professionals to share the load.
Tools designed to assist caregivers with personalized guidance while caregiving, can be game-changing. “elbi is a tool to help you cope with a complex disease,” she explains. Whether getting activity suggestions, providing personalized care suggestions, or simply offering emotional support, resources like this can help caregivers manage the mental load.
3. Plan ahead for legal and financial needs
Caring for someone with dementia isn’t just emotional—it comes with important legal and financial decisions too. “A family law or elder law attorney who can help you with legal planning is an invaluable partner,” says Holt Klinger. Start early with documents like a power of attorney and advanced care directives, so you’re ready when decisions need to be made.
It’s also important to think through financial tradeoffs. Leaving a job to care full-time might feel like the right move, but it comes with long-term impacts. Try to find a balance that protects your family’s future while supporting your loved one today. Taking a measured approach to balancing caregiving with personal and professional responsibilities can help sustain both the caregiver and their family.
4. Care that’s good for the caregiver
As dementia progresses, the relationship you’ve always known starts to shift. That emotional weight is real.
“The relationship you’ve had now feels unidirectional rather than bidirectional,” Buscemi explains. “Realizing how you see the person and what your role was in their life may help reduce strain as their personality changes.”
Sometimes what seems like resistance is actually confusion or memory loss. “You may think they’re being stubborn,” says Buscemi, “but in reality, they may be saying it because they can’t remember how to do something.”
A shift in perspective can help you meet your loved one with more understanding and grace.
5. Reflect—and adjust
Dementia progresses through stages, each requiring new strategies and adaptations. Holt Klinger advises caregivers to anticipate challenges before they arise: “Dementia, especially Alzheimer’s disease, progresses in a relatively predictable path. The more that you can prepare for and anticipate challenges with advanced planning, the easier your journey will be.”
Buscemi adds that caregivers benefit from regular self-reflection. “You can’t cope unless you know what you are coping about,” she says. Recognizing and addressing personal triggers can reduce emotional strain as the demands of caregiving increase.
6. Use Tools That Support You
You don’t have to keep all the details in your head. From reminders to personalized care tips, today’s digital tools can make caregiving feel a little lighter.
“Dementia caregiving is a role we may not have expected or wanted,” says Buscemi. “But with tools like elbi, we can adapt and find ways to cope.”
Caregiving is one of the hardest jobs out there, but you don’t have to do it all on your own. With support, thoughtful planning, and small moments of self-care, you can find steadiness in the chaos. And with tools like elbi, you’ll have guidance along the way.
Liz Tenety brings nearly two decades of experience in digital media. A former Washington Post editor and co-founder of Motherly—a well-being brand helping mothers thrive—she now coaches founders through Google’s Startup Labs while supporting female founders. Liz also hosts the Webby Award-winning show, The Motherly Podcast.